I am writing this post as the sun comes up. I am often out of bed this early, but this morning it's because I haven't BEEN to bed yet. I was headed that way - very much looking forward to some deep slumber - at about 10:30pm, when my phone rang with an urgent situation requiring me to drive to Toronto and back. I won't get into the nature of that trip, except to say that I just spent several hours of solo-driving during which I thought a lot about my kids while helping someone else through a tragedy involving one of theirs.
Here is what I thought ...
Katy and Jack are incredible people. Not just incredible kids who will one day become incredible people, but already -- coming into their early teens - truly incredible people in their own right.
And I realized how often I treat them like a project. Like balls of clay. Bundles of potential. As though everything now is "in order to someday". I'm not blaming myself, as this is a deeply conditioned attitude. Though we don't often consider it, that is our society's standard approach to dealing with our children.
"They don't know any better yet."
"This is just a phase."
"I can't wait until they look back on this and realize how foolish it was."
But what "this" is, whatever form "this" may take, IT IS THEIR LIFE. Right now. And it is as valid and real and important to them as anything is to me or to anyone else. I do them an enormous disservice trying to make them see things from my "wiser, more experienced perspective". To truly live, they need to be allowed to fully embrace THEIR perspective. At each and every stage of their lives.
Why is it so hard for me to back off and let them be themselves? I will put forth, of course, that I am only trying to save them pain and frustration (though a less flattering interpretation is that I am just as often trying to spare myself embarrassment and make myself look better through them). And helping them avoid serious harm is a valid and important role for a parent to play. But so many situations, far shy of life-threatening, are likely exactly the challenges they need in their own journies. We may hate their decisions, worry about the consequences, wish so much they had behaved differently. But they are not us. They can't live our lives and we can't live theirs.
So, that is what I thought a lot about tonight. And I am going to do my best to put that into play today and from now on. Knowing full well that I will fail miserably much of the time - it sometimes just seems soooooo much easier to fix things for them, save them some steps, and show them "the right way". But, as we eat breakfast together in about an hour, I am going to tell them how great they are, and how much I really do respect them, and ask them to remind me of these thoughts when I start being too "parenty".
Here are some thoughts from others, to remind me of this :) ... BTW, I stumbled on these while looking for a specific quotation that I really loved. Having not found it, you will have to take my word that someone (wiser than me) said something along the lines of ... "This younger generation is destroying our way of life as we know it. And we must help them, not stop them, as that is their job!"
Children, after all, are not just adults-in-the-making. They are people whose current needs and rights and experiences must be taken seriously. (Alfie Kohn)
That's maybe the most important thing each generation does, is to break a lot of rules and make up their own way of doing things. (Jackson Browne)
The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible - and achieve it, generation after generation. (Pearl S. Buck)
Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers. (Lewis Mumford)
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
... Melody Beatty
I am a very grateful guy. Mostly because I have a lot to be grateful for. But I also think there is some chicken/egg/chicken stuff going on there - I believe it is my grateful attitude that brings much of that goodness into my life in the first place.
Anyway, here are FOUR fantastic pieces on gratitude. I am grateful for THEM! Please enjoy, but more imortantly reflect upon, these great presentations!
1. Comedian Louis CK on Conan O'Brien ... (4 minutes)
* Caveat - Thanks to Jimmie Dykes for commenting that the "youth" generation is seemingly unfairly singled out in this. I believe that Louis means ALL of us in this rant :)
2. Jason Mraz singing "Who I Am Today" at Life Is Good Music Festival 2010 ... (5 minutes)
Note: LOADS more gratitude available at Jason's blog ...http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/
3. Neil Pasricha, Author of "The Book of Awesome", speaking at TEDx in Toronto... (18 minutes)
4. My favourite essay of all time ... by Rob Brezsny, Author of "Pronoia" Glory in the Highest
Thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. Through some magic you don't fully understand, you're still breathing and your heart is beating, even though you've been unconscious for many hours. The air is a mix of gases that's just right for your body's needs, as it was before you fell asleep.
You can see! Light of many colors floods into your eyes, registered by nerves that took God or evolution or some process millions of years to perfect. The interesting gift of these vivid hues comes to you courtesy of an unimaginably immense globe of fire, the sun, which continually detonates nuclear reactions in order to convert its body into light and heat and energy for your personal use.
Did you know that the sun is located at the precise distance from you to be of perfect service? If it were any closer, you'd fry, and if it were any further away, you'd freeze. Here's another one of the sun?s benedictions: It appears to rise over the eastern horizon right on schedule every day, as it has since long before you were born.
Do you remember when you were born, by the way? It was a difficult miracle that involved many people who worked hard on your behalf. No less miraculous is the fact that you have continued to grow since then, with millions of new cells being born inside you to replace the old ones that die. All of this happens whether or not you ever think about it.
On this day, like almost every other, you have awoken inside a temperature-controlled shelter. You have a home! Your bed and pillow are soft and you're covered by comfortable blankets. The electricity is turned on, as usual. Somehow, in ways you're barely aware of, a massive power plant at an unknown distance from your home is transforming fuel into currents of electricity that reach you through mostly hidden conduits in the exact amounts you need, and all you have to do to control the flow is flick small switches with your fingers.
You can walk! Your legs work wonderfully well. Your heart circulates your blood all the way down to replenish the energy of the muscles in your feet and calves and thighs, and when the blood is depleted it finds its way back to your heart to be refreshed. This blessing recurs over and over again without stopping every hour of your life.
Your home is perhaps not a million-dollar palace, but it's sturdy and gigantic compared to the typical domicile in every culture that has preceded you. The floors aren't crumbling, and the walls and ceilings are holding up well, too. Doors open and close without trouble, and so do the windows. What skillful geniuses built this sanctuary for you? How and where did they learn their craft?
In your bathroom, the toilet is functioning perfectly, as are several other convenient devices. You have at your disposal soaps, creams, razors, clippers, tooth-cleaning accessories: a host of products that enhance your hygiene and appearance. You trust that unidentified scientists somewhere tested them to be sure they're safe for you to use.
Amazingly, the water you need so much of comes out of your faucets in an even flow, with the volume you want, and either cold or hot as you desire. It's pure and clean; you're confident no parasites are lurking in it. There is someone somewhere making sure these boons will continue to arrive for you without interruption for as long as you require them.
Look at your hands. They're astounding creations that allow you to carry out hundreds of tasks with great force and intricate grace. They relish the pleasure and privilege of touching thousands of different textures, and they're beautiful.
In your closet are many clothes you like to wear. Who gathered the materials to make the fabrics they're made of? Who imbued them with colors, and how did they do it? Who sewed them for you?
In your kitchen, appetizing food in secure packaging is waiting for you. Many people you've never met worked hard to grow it, process it, and get it to the store where you bought it. The bounty of tasty nourishment you get to choose from is unprecedented in the history of the world.
Your many appliances are working flawlessly. Despite the fact that they feed on electricity, which could kill you instantly if you touched it directly, you feel no fear that you're in danger. Why? Your faith in the people who invented, designed, and produced these machines is impressive.
It's as if there's a benevolent conspiracy of unknown people that is tirelessly creating hundreds of useful things you like and need.
There's more. Gravity is working exactly the way it always has, neither pulling on you with too much or too little force. How did that marvel ever come to be? By some prodigious, long-running accident? It doesn't really matter, since it will continue to function with astounding efficiency whether or not you understand it.
Meanwhile, a trillion other elements of nature's miraculous design are expressing themselves perfectly. Plants are growing, rivers are flowing, clouds are drifting, winds are blowing, animals are reproducing. The weather is an interesting blend of elements you've never before experienced in quite this combination. Though you may take it for granted, you relish the ever-shifting sensations of light and temperature as they interact with your body.
There's more. You can smell odors and hear sounds and taste tastes, many of which are quite pleasing. You can think! You're in possession of the extraordinary gift of self-awareness. You can feel feelings! Do you realize how improbably stupendous it is for you to have been blessed with that mysterious capacity? And get this: You can visualize an inexhaustible array of images, some of which represent things that don't actually exist. How did you acquire this magical talent?
By some improbable series of coincidences or long-term divine plan, language has come into existence. Millions of people have collaborated for many centuries to cultivate a system for communication that you understand well. Speaking and reading give you great pleasure and a tremendous sense of power.
Do you want to go someplace that's at a distance? You have a number of choices about what machines to use in order to get there. Whatever you decide — car, plane, bus, train, subway, ship, helicopter, or bike — you have confidence that it will work efficiently. Multitudes of people who are now dead devoted themselves to perfecting these modes of travel. Multitudes who are still alive devote themselves to ensuring that these benefits keep serving you.
Maybe you're one of the hundreds of millions of people in the world who has the extraordinary privilege of owning a car. It's a brilliant invention made by highly competent workers. Other skilled laborers put in long hours to extract oil from the ground or sea and turn it into fuel so you can use your car conveniently. The roads are drivable. Who paved them for you? The bridges you cross are potent feats of engineering. Do you realize how hard it was to fabricate them from scratch?
You're aware that in the future shrinking oil reserves and global warming may impose limitations on your ability to use cars and planes and other machines to travel. But you also know that many smart and idealistic people are diligently striving to develop alternative fuels and protect the environment. And compared to how slow societies have been to understand their macrocosmic problems in the past, your culture is moving with unprecedented speed to recognize and respond to the crises spawned by its technologies.
As you travel, you might listen to music. Maybe you've got an MP3 player, a fantastic invention that has dramatically enhanced your ability to hear a stunning variety of engaging sounds at a low cost. Or maybe you have a radio. Through a process you can't fathom, music and voices that originate at a distance from you have been converted into invisible waves that bounce off the ionosphere and down into your little machine, where they are transformed back into music and voices for you to enjoy.
Let's say it's 9:30 a.m. You've been awake for two hours, and a hundred things have already gone right for you. If three of those hundred things had not gone right — your toaster was broken, the hot water wasn't hot enough, there was a stain on the pants you wanted to wear — you might feel that today the universe is against you, that your luck is bad, that nothing's going right. And yet the fact is that the vast majority of everything is working with breathtaking efficiency and consistency. You would clearly be deluded to imagine that life is primarily an ordeal.
About the Author
Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He writes "Free Will Astrology," a syndicated weekly column that appears in over a hundred other publications and on the Web.
"Adventure" is big in our society these days. Adventure sports. Adventure travel. Adventure races. Ask most people if they would like more adventure in their life and you will get a resounding "yes".
"an exciting or very unusual experience ... a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome."
Again, most people would agree with that definition at first blush. But, considering this very frankly, I would suggest that not many people are truly up for the "uncertain outcome".
When you sit down on a roller coaster you may have an adrenaline rush in store, but you can be pretty much certain of the outcome - a safe arrival back at the platform. Even something as seemingly risky as skydiving is only taken on after assuring ourselves as to the impeccability of the school's safety record ... a 99.9% success rate just doesn't cut it.
We are taught from a very young age to "look before you leap". And a valid lesson it is ... most of the time.
In truth, though, one needn't go far to find true adventure ... "It's a dangerous business... going out your door. You step onto the road, and there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” Bilbo Baggins, LOTR
Life IS adventure. And most people, despite their claims to the contrary put an extraordinary amount of effort into minimizing exactly that! They seek to eliminate risk, and to maximize certainty. Back to Bilbo, "Adventures make one late for dinner."And when life DOES serve up a good dose of "hazard", as it almost always eventually will, they bemoan their fate - "why me??"
Personally, I tend to agree with William Feather, an author who said “One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.”
This philosophy has allowed me to open my own successful real estate brokerage. To run for federal office (unsuccessfully). To compete in The Death Race in three weeks (watch for race updates soon). These are adventures, "good and bad", that I have chosen. But we don't always get to choose how our life will unfold.
Here are some equally valid examples of adventure... Receiving a diagnosis of cancer. Being wrongfully imprisoned for 20 years. Declaring bankruptcy. Losing a leg in a car accident. Are any of these things we would choose? Of course not. But they are things that can happen. They are things that do happen. And then what? Do you choose to be a victim and live out your life defeated and bitter? Or do you choose that this is your adventure and approach it with passion and joy? It has already happened, remember. And it is only up to you what you do next.
“Adventure isn't hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day to day obstacles of life -- Facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, Testing our resources against the unknown and in the process, Discovering our own unique potential.” John Amatt, Everest Expedition Leader, author.
But, for God's sake, don't wait for disaster to strike to start living adventurously! There is infinite adventure available to all of us every day. Anytime you try something new, there is adventure. Starting a business. Asking someone on a date. Trying a different restaurant. Learning a new sport.
Yet, so many people won't even embark on these littlest of adventures. Paulo Coelho describes this is his beautiful book, The Zahir.
"Slaves to a life they had not chosen, but which they had decided to live because someone had managed to convince them that it was all for the best. And so their identical days and nights passed, days and nights in which adventure was just a word in a book or an image on the television that was always on, and whenever a door opened, they would say: 'I am not interested. I'm not in the mood.' How could they possibly know if they were in the mood or not if they had never tried? But there was no point in asking; the truth was they were afraid of any change that would upset the world they had grown used to."
I know that at this point I will have offended some people. I am definitely guilty of presenting just one view here. Not everyone needs an adrenaline-filled existence. In fact, many people are very happy and content and fulfilled living a life almost the opposite of what I am describing. And that is awesome. That is their adventure. And I will assume if you continue reading that you are not one of them.
In fact, you may even agree with Helen Keller, the blind and deaf author/activist who proclaimed, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.”
A word that keeps coming up in these quotations is "change". Even 500 years BC, Heraclitus observed that "the only constant is change". The one thing you can be sure of in life is that it will keep changing and changing and changing. So what to do? Here are some great answers to that question ...
"Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else."Tom Peters
"Remember the high board at the swimming pool? After days of looking up at it you finally climbed the wet steps to the platform. From there, it was higher than ever. There were only two ways down: the steps to defeat of the dive to victory. You stood on the edge, shivering in the hot sun, deathly afraid. At last you leaned too far forward, it was too late for retreat, and you dived. The high board was conquered, and you spent the rest of the day diving. Climbing a thousand high boards, we demolish fear, and turn into human beings." Richard Bach
"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."Ralph Waldo Emerson
Where am I going with all of this? I don't really know. I know that I am not going to live forever. I know that there is a lot I still want to do before I go. And I am probably writing this as a reminder to myself as much as anything else. A reminder that I get to actively, consciously choose every day anew how I am going to live my life.
"All men and women are born, live suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about... We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live." Joseph Epstein
Still, life is not the only adventure... Aristotle pointed out that "To die will be an awfully big adventure." And, in the meantime, I will follow Webb Chiles' advice .. "Live passionately, even if it kills you, because something is going to kill you anyway."
As usual, it took me a while to get started typing and now there is no end to what I want to share on this subject. What got me off my ass today was this Note From The Universe that I received ...
"How adventurous would life be, John, if you were "challenge free"? If you had the perfect body, perfect self-esteem, everyone adored you, and you won the lottery every Sunday?
Not.
Now what if, painful as they may temporarily be, you could choose a life during which challenges might arise whenever your thinking needed expansion, on the sole condition that every one of them could be overcome no matter how daunting they may at first seem?
Everything makes you more,
The Universe"
Well, I have to wrap up somewhere, so, as Forrest Gump would say ...
Hopefully, reading this will help you be a bit less likely to reach the end of your life to realize, "Oh, if I had only known, if I had only been ready, our lives can really be the great adventure we so passionately want them to be. " Hortense Odlum
