Am I a failure? Am I a success? I have been thinking about that a lot the past few days. Not in a verklempt, hand-wringing sense. Just as a topic of reflection.
My most recent claim for "success" would be completing The Death Race a few weeks ago in Vermont. Billed as one of the hardest races in the world, it lived up to its reputation. After 45 hours of horrendous conditions and mind-bogglingly difficult work, I was one of the few finishers out of nearly 200 who started and 300 who had registered. In declaring this venture a success, it boils down to "I set a goal. I worked hard towards it. I never gave up. I completed it."
Seems simple, and it is tempting to revel in that "successfulness", but therein lies a bit of a trap. If I hold that same standard to my life as a whole I quickly find that I am in a bit of trouble.
There are a whole bunch of things that I have started but bailed out on long before completion. In fact, I would wager that they far outweigh the "saw it through" successes in my life. Further, in looking at that, I cannot think of even one that was because I was actually unable to do it ... more often than not it has been more of an attention span issue. It is a long, long list of projects that I have started then abandoned when something else suddenly seemed more interesting.
Of course I am oversimplfying somewhat, and not every circumstance fits neatly into these categories. Often, other factors come to bear that affect my decisions. A good example is my run at federal politics. I started that endeavour in good faith and, after almost a full year of "going to the polls anytime" campaigning, had to make a tough decision with no election on the horizon and virtually no control over the situation.
Still, I have done more than my share of zigging and zagging. In my adult life, I have worked as a; windsurfing instructor, waiter, bartender, international youth exchange program co-ordinator, tree-planter, bookstore clerk, timeshare salesperson, barista, marketing manager, deliveryman, environmental consultant, car salesman, climbing rope salesman, realtor, property manager, landlord, candidate for federal office, display advertising sales, divorce mediator, funeral home driver ... and finally, payment processing sales, personal coach, hypnotherapist, personal trainer, motivational speaker.
Interestingly, I don't really have any regrets. Every one of those roles has taught me something about myself and served me well at the time, and I was always content moving on when the time came to do so. While it would be hard to demonstrate a strategic straight-line evolution, I do feel that my life has been an ongoing process of growth and discovery.
There are also a few things that are in neither the completed nor abandoned columns ... but are in the "not yet" category. These include, among others, living on a sailboat and the adventure travel component of Alter Ego Life Adventure Co. Both were ideas that I committed to and announced, but eventually had to defer while focusing on more pressing priorities. So, while the timelines have shifted, the goals remain the same. Fortunately I am 43 going on 25, so I feel that I have lots of opportunity yet to achieve both of these intentions and lots more.
My Death Race experience served to demonstrate that I truly CAN complete anything. That doesn't mean that I always WILL though. I am quite happy to start lots, finish what proves important to me, and learn from and let go of the rest.
So, am I a success or a failure? I am both, and neither, and much more. I am a life adventurer who is willingly deep in the current and loving the ride.
One of my all-time VERY favourite songs is "Barbecue" by ALO (Animal Liberation Orchestra). It is about taking stock of your life every so often, letting go of the past and looking to the future - understanding that goals and dreams are there to serve you, not to punish you. Listen and reflect and enjoy!
The road is long and winding like a good mystery unfolding
It twists and turns in colorful subplots and sunburns and fake out endings
And sometimes my patience in the whole process starts bending
As I attempt to unravel the web by traversing and rehearsing and perversing along the doubt-laden extension chord thread of my life
And in this life we're free to dream whatever we want to
But that doesn't mean that your dreams are gonna come true
Instead as a way of getting us to move
Life dangles your dreams in front of you
And unable to resist the temptation, we continue
And it's clear to me that this life is gonna be
All about the dangling possibilities that keep turning in and turning out
Yes it's clear to me that this life is gonna be
All about the dangling possibilities
The road is long and winding
Full of twists and turns
But before you can rise from the ashes
You've got to burn baby burn
Welcome to your barbeque
Where we roast all the dreams
That never came true
Welcome to your barbeque
Pig out and dream anew.
I absolutely love that phrase, and have been repeating it a lot lately. What "life's rich pageant" refers to is that you must take the good with the bad... that you cannot separate the bad experiences as they are all part of the tapestry of a full life.
And a very full life I definitely have! So full, often, that I find myself scrambling to keep up, catch up. These past few weeks are a great example of that. Over 3 weekends I ...
completed The Spartan Death Race,
coached my daughter in her first international wrestling tournament,
and took my son to an electronic music festival 700 miles away.
Each of these events was its own incredible life experience. I am MASSIVELY fortunate to be able to do things like these!
The flip-side is that I am feeling WAY behind on some important stuff today. I have a whole bunch of thank you notes I want to send to people who generously supported POGO as my Death Race charity. I have made dozens of calls on real estate business (all of which was kept alive remotely through the miracle that is Google - I love my Android!!). A handful of coaching/hypnosis clients have been patiently waiting to book appointments this week. This crunch is all exacerbated by the fact that I have taken on hosting a cable TV program covering the local arts scene - and we are doing full day shoots this Wednesday and Thursday (and then I am being interviewed for TV Friday afternoon regarding The Death Race).
There is even some "big stuff" that has slipped through the cracks ... like filing my taxes on time. What should have been a spring project and HAD TO BE a June project has now become a July project, along with a hefty penalty from Revenue Canada.
But, it is said that The Universe does not ever give you a challenge without also giving you the tools to handle it. It even seems to help out in strange ways ... like this one. Before The Death Race, I was warned that I had likely developed stress fractures in both feet (at the base of the 5th metatarsals). I opted to not have x-rays done as I was racing anyway. My feet managed to hold up through the race, and I thought I may have dodged a bullet. Especially since I actually felt surprisingly fine when I got back home. Sure my feet were completely numb and my ankles were very swollen, but I was getting around ok. That is until the feeling started coming back - wow wow OW! The numbness is caused by "tarsal tunnel syndrome" - an internal swelling that pinches off key nerves. Once I could feel my feet I was in trouble. My plantar faciitis is back in full force. I lost a toenail completely. My ankles are very weak and sprained. And I am going for x-rays tomorrow morning for the stress fractures. Now, remember, this paragraph started out declaring that this is somehow a blessing - and it is. I simply CANNOT run, or go to the gym, for the next month. (Technically, I have been told to not even walk - though dancing all weekend at Camp Bisco was never expressly forbidden!) So, this means lots of time suddenly available for all of this other important stuff!!!
I also "owe" two fairly significant blog posts ... my full recounting of The Death Race and the extraordinary insights it afforded me, and an essay on taking a twelve year old to a 3-day electronic music festival (a truly unique life experience) ... both coming soon!
I am writing this post as the sun comes up. I am often out of bed this early, but this morning it's because I haven't BEEN to bed yet. I was headed that way - very much looking forward to some deep slumber - at about 10:30pm, when my phone rang with an urgent situation requiring me to drive to Toronto and back. I won't get into the nature of that trip, except to say that I just spent several hours of solo-driving during which I thought a lot about my kids while helping someone else through a tragedy involving one of theirs.
Here is what I thought ...
Katy and Jack are incredible people. Not just incredible kids who will one day become incredible people, but already -- coming into their early teens - truly incredible people in their own right.
And I realized how often I treat them like a project. Like balls of clay. Bundles of potential. As though everything now is "in order to someday". I'm not blaming myself, as this is a deeply conditioned attitude. Though we don't often consider it, that is our society's standard approach to dealing with our children.
"They don't know any better yet."
"This is just a phase."
"I can't wait until they look back on this and realize how foolish it was."
But what "this" is, whatever form "this" may take, IT IS THEIR LIFE. Right now. And it is as valid and real and important to them as anything is to me or to anyone else. I do them an enormous disservice trying to make them see things from my "wiser, more experienced perspective". To truly live, they need to be allowed to fully embrace THEIR perspective. At each and every stage of their lives.
Why is it so hard for me to back off and let them be themselves? I will put forth, of course, that I am only trying to save them pain and frustration (though a less flattering interpretation is that I am just as often trying to spare myself embarrassment and make myself look better through them). And helping them avoid serious harm is a valid and important role for a parent to play. But so many situations, far shy of life-threatening, are likely exactly the challenges they need in their own journies. We may hate their decisions, worry about the consequences, wish so much they had behaved differently. But they are not us. They can't live our lives and we can't live theirs.
So, that is what I thought a lot about tonight. And I am going to do my best to put that into play today and from now on. Knowing full well that I will fail miserably much of the time - it sometimes just seems soooooo much easier to fix things for them, save them some steps, and show them "the right way". But, as we eat breakfast together in about an hour, I am going to tell them how great they are, and how much I really do respect them, and ask them to remind me of these thoughts when I start being too "parenty".
Here are some thoughts from others, to remind me of this :) ... BTW, I stumbled on these while looking for a specific quotation that I really loved. Having not found it, you will have to take my word that someone (wiser than me) said something along the lines of ... "This younger generation is destroying our way of life as we know it. And we must help them, not stop them, as that is their job!"
Children, after all, are not just adults-in-the-making. They are people whose current needs and rights and experiences must be taken seriously. (Alfie Kohn)
That's maybe the most important thing each generation does, is to break a lot of rules and make up their own way of doing things. (Jackson Browne)
The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible - and achieve it, generation after generation. (Pearl S. Buck)
Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers. (Lewis Mumford)
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.
... Melody Beatty
I am a very grateful guy. Mostly because I have a lot to be grateful for. But I also think there is some chicken/egg/chicken stuff going on there - I believe it is my grateful attitude that brings much of that goodness into my life in the first place.
Anyway, here are FOUR fantastic pieces on gratitude. I am grateful for THEM! Please enjoy, but more imortantly reflect upon, these great presentations!
1. Comedian Louis CK on Conan O'Brien ... (4 minutes)
* Caveat - Thanks to Jimmie Dykes for commenting that the "youth" generation is seemingly unfairly singled out in this. I believe that Louis means ALL of us in this rant :)
2. Jason Mraz singing "Who I Am Today" at Life Is Good Music Festival 2010 ... (5 minutes)
Note: LOADS more gratitude available at Jason's blog ...http://freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com/
3. Neil Pasricha, Author of "The Book of Awesome", speaking at TEDx in Toronto... (18 minutes)
4. My favourite essay of all time ... by Rob Brezsny, Author of "Pronoia" Glory in the Highest
Thousands of things go right for you every day, beginning the moment you wake up. Through some magic you don't fully understand, you're still breathing and your heart is beating, even though you've been unconscious for many hours. The air is a mix of gases that's just right for your body's needs, as it was before you fell asleep.
You can see! Light of many colors floods into your eyes, registered by nerves that took God or evolution or some process millions of years to perfect. The interesting gift of these vivid hues comes to you courtesy of an unimaginably immense globe of fire, the sun, which continually detonates nuclear reactions in order to convert its body into light and heat and energy for your personal use.
Did you know that the sun is located at the precise distance from you to be of perfect service? If it were any closer, you'd fry, and if it were any further away, you'd freeze. Here's another one of the sun?s benedictions: It appears to rise over the eastern horizon right on schedule every day, as it has since long before you were born.
Do you remember when you were born, by the way? It was a difficult miracle that involved many people who worked hard on your behalf. No less miraculous is the fact that you have continued to grow since then, with millions of new cells being born inside you to replace the old ones that die. All of this happens whether or not you ever think about it.
On this day, like almost every other, you have awoken inside a temperature-controlled shelter. You have a home! Your bed and pillow are soft and you're covered by comfortable blankets. The electricity is turned on, as usual. Somehow, in ways you're barely aware of, a massive power plant at an unknown distance from your home is transforming fuel into currents of electricity that reach you through mostly hidden conduits in the exact amounts you need, and all you have to do to control the flow is flick small switches with your fingers.
You can walk! Your legs work wonderfully well. Your heart circulates your blood all the way down to replenish the energy of the muscles in your feet and calves and thighs, and when the blood is depleted it finds its way back to your heart to be refreshed. This blessing recurs over and over again without stopping every hour of your life.
Your home is perhaps not a million-dollar palace, but it's sturdy and gigantic compared to the typical domicile in every culture that has preceded you. The floors aren't crumbling, and the walls and ceilings are holding up well, too. Doors open and close without trouble, and so do the windows. What skillful geniuses built this sanctuary for you? How and where did they learn their craft?
In your bathroom, the toilet is functioning perfectly, as are several other convenient devices. You have at your disposal soaps, creams, razors, clippers, tooth-cleaning accessories: a host of products that enhance your hygiene and appearance. You trust that unidentified scientists somewhere tested them to be sure they're safe for you to use.
Amazingly, the water you need so much of comes out of your faucets in an even flow, with the volume you want, and either cold or hot as you desire. It's pure and clean; you're confident no parasites are lurking in it. There is someone somewhere making sure these boons will continue to arrive for you without interruption for as long as you require them.
Look at your hands. They're astounding creations that allow you to carry out hundreds of tasks with great force and intricate grace. They relish the pleasure and privilege of touching thousands of different textures, and they're beautiful.
In your closet are many clothes you like to wear. Who gathered the materials to make the fabrics they're made of? Who imbued them with colors, and how did they do it? Who sewed them for you?
In your kitchen, appetizing food in secure packaging is waiting for you. Many people you've never met worked hard to grow it, process it, and get it to the store where you bought it. The bounty of tasty nourishment you get to choose from is unprecedented in the history of the world.
Your many appliances are working flawlessly. Despite the fact that they feed on electricity, which could kill you instantly if you touched it directly, you feel no fear that you're in danger. Why? Your faith in the people who invented, designed, and produced these machines is impressive.
It's as if there's a benevolent conspiracy of unknown people that is tirelessly creating hundreds of useful things you like and need.
There's more. Gravity is working exactly the way it always has, neither pulling on you with too much or too little force. How did that marvel ever come to be? By some prodigious, long-running accident? It doesn't really matter, since it will continue to function with astounding efficiency whether or not you understand it.
Meanwhile, a trillion other elements of nature's miraculous design are expressing themselves perfectly. Plants are growing, rivers are flowing, clouds are drifting, winds are blowing, animals are reproducing. The weather is an interesting blend of elements you've never before experienced in quite this combination. Though you may take it for granted, you relish the ever-shifting sensations of light and temperature as they interact with your body.
There's more. You can smell odors and hear sounds and taste tastes, many of which are quite pleasing. You can think! You're in possession of the extraordinary gift of self-awareness. You can feel feelings! Do you realize how improbably stupendous it is for you to have been blessed with that mysterious capacity? And get this: You can visualize an inexhaustible array of images, some of which represent things that don't actually exist. How did you acquire this magical talent?
By some improbable series of coincidences or long-term divine plan, language has come into existence. Millions of people have collaborated for many centuries to cultivate a system for communication that you understand well. Speaking and reading give you great pleasure and a tremendous sense of power.
Do you want to go someplace that's at a distance? You have a number of choices about what machines to use in order to get there. Whatever you decide — car, plane, bus, train, subway, ship, helicopter, or bike — you have confidence that it will work efficiently. Multitudes of people who are now dead devoted themselves to perfecting these modes of travel. Multitudes who are still alive devote themselves to ensuring that these benefits keep serving you.
Maybe you're one of the hundreds of millions of people in the world who has the extraordinary privilege of owning a car. It's a brilliant invention made by highly competent workers. Other skilled laborers put in long hours to extract oil from the ground or sea and turn it into fuel so you can use your car conveniently. The roads are drivable. Who paved them for you? The bridges you cross are potent feats of engineering. Do you realize how hard it was to fabricate them from scratch?
You're aware that in the future shrinking oil reserves and global warming may impose limitations on your ability to use cars and planes and other machines to travel. But you also know that many smart and idealistic people are diligently striving to develop alternative fuels and protect the environment. And compared to how slow societies have been to understand their macrocosmic problems in the past, your culture is moving with unprecedented speed to recognize and respond to the crises spawned by its technologies.
As you travel, you might listen to music. Maybe you've got an MP3 player, a fantastic invention that has dramatically enhanced your ability to hear a stunning variety of engaging sounds at a low cost. Or maybe you have a radio. Through a process you can't fathom, music and voices that originate at a distance from you have been converted into invisible waves that bounce off the ionosphere and down into your little machine, where they are transformed back into music and voices for you to enjoy.
Let's say it's 9:30 a.m. You've been awake for two hours, and a hundred things have already gone right for you. If three of those hundred things had not gone right — your toaster was broken, the hot water wasn't hot enough, there was a stain on the pants you wanted to wear — you might feel that today the universe is against you, that your luck is bad, that nothing's going right. And yet the fact is that the vast majority of everything is working with breathtaking efficiency and consistency. You would clearly be deluded to imagine that life is primarily an ordeal.
About the Author
Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He writes "Free Will Astrology," a syndicated weekly column that appears in over a hundred other publications and on the Web.
"Adventure" is big in our society these days. Adventure sports. Adventure travel. Adventure races. Ask most people if they would like more adventure in their life and you will get a resounding "yes".
"an exciting or very unusual experience ... a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome."
Again, most people would agree with that definition at first blush. But, considering this very frankly, I would suggest that not many people are truly up for the "uncertain outcome".
When you sit down on a roller coaster you may have an adrenaline rush in store, but you can be pretty much certain of the outcome - a safe arrival back at the platform. Even something as seemingly risky as skydiving is only taken on after assuring ourselves as to the impeccability of the school's safety record ... a 99.9% success rate just doesn't cut it.
We are taught from a very young age to "look before you leap". And a valid lesson it is ... most of the time.
In truth, though, one needn't go far to find true adventure ... "It's a dangerous business... going out your door. You step onto the road, and there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.” Bilbo Baggins, LOTR
Life IS adventure. And most people, despite their claims to the contrary put an extraordinary amount of effort into minimizing exactly that! They seek to eliminate risk, and to maximize certainty. Back to Bilbo, "Adventures make one late for dinner."And when life DOES serve up a good dose of "hazard", as it almost always eventually will, they bemoan their fate - "why me??"
Personally, I tend to agree with William Feather, an author who said “One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.”
This philosophy has allowed me to open my own successful real estate brokerage. To run for federal office (unsuccessfully). To compete in The Death Race in three weeks (watch for race updates soon). These are adventures, "good and bad", that I have chosen. But we don't always get to choose how our life will unfold.
Here are some equally valid examples of adventure... Receiving a diagnosis of cancer. Being wrongfully imprisoned for 20 years. Declaring bankruptcy. Losing a leg in a car accident. Are any of these things we would choose? Of course not. But they are things that can happen. They are things that do happen. And then what? Do you choose to be a victim and live out your life defeated and bitter? Or do you choose that this is your adventure and approach it with passion and joy? It has already happened, remember. And it is only up to you what you do next.
“Adventure isn't hanging on a rope off the side of a mountain. Adventure is an attitude that we must apply to the day to day obstacles of life -- Facing new challenges, seizing new opportunities, Testing our resources against the unknown and in the process, Discovering our own unique potential.” John Amatt, Everest Expedition Leader, author.
But, for God's sake, don't wait for disaster to strike to start living adventurously! There is infinite adventure available to all of us every day. Anytime you try something new, there is adventure. Starting a business. Asking someone on a date. Trying a different restaurant. Learning a new sport.
Yet, so many people won't even embark on these littlest of adventures. Paulo Coelho describes this is his beautiful book, The Zahir.
"Slaves to a life they had not chosen, but which they had decided to live because someone had managed to convince them that it was all for the best. And so their identical days and nights passed, days and nights in which adventure was just a word in a book or an image on the television that was always on, and whenever a door opened, they would say: 'I am not interested. I'm not in the mood.' How could they possibly know if they were in the mood or not if they had never tried? But there was no point in asking; the truth was they were afraid of any change that would upset the world they had grown used to."
I know that at this point I will have offended some people. I am definitely guilty of presenting just one view here. Not everyone needs an adrenaline-filled existence. In fact, many people are very happy and content and fulfilled living a life almost the opposite of what I am describing. And that is awesome. That is their adventure. And I will assume if you continue reading that you are not one of them.
In fact, you may even agree with Helen Keller, the blind and deaf author/activist who proclaimed, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable.”
A word that keeps coming up in these quotations is "change". Even 500 years BC, Heraclitus observed that "the only constant is change". The one thing you can be sure of in life is that it will keep changing and changing and changing. So what to do? Here are some great answers to that question ...
"Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else."Tom Peters
"Remember the high board at the swimming pool? After days of looking up at it you finally climbed the wet steps to the platform. From there, it was higher than ever. There were only two ways down: the steps to defeat of the dive to victory. You stood on the edge, shivering in the hot sun, deathly afraid. At last you leaned too far forward, it was too late for retreat, and you dived. The high board was conquered, and you spent the rest of the day diving. Climbing a thousand high boards, we demolish fear, and turn into human beings." Richard Bach
"Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.What if they are a little coarse, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice. Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble."Ralph Waldo Emerson
Where am I going with all of this? I don't really know. I know that I am not going to live forever. I know that there is a lot I still want to do before I go. And I am probably writing this as a reminder to myself as much as anything else. A reminder that I get to actively, consciously choose every day anew how I am going to live my life.
"All men and women are born, live suffer and die; what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams, whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things, and what we do to make them come about... We do not choose to be born. We do not choose our parents. We do not choose our historical epoch, the country of our birth, or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing. We do not, most of us, choose to die; nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death. But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live." Joseph Epstein
Still, life is not the only adventure... Aristotle pointed out that "To die will be an awfully big adventure." And, in the meantime, I will follow Webb Chiles' advice .. "Live passionately, even if it kills you, because something is going to kill you anyway."
As usual, it took me a while to get started typing and now there is no end to what I want to share on this subject. What got me off my ass today was this Note From The Universe that I received ...
"How adventurous would life be, John, if you were "challenge free"? If you had the perfect body, perfect self-esteem, everyone adored you, and you won the lottery every Sunday?
Not.
Now what if, painful as they may temporarily be, you could choose a life during which challenges might arise whenever your thinking needed expansion, on the sole condition that every one of them could be overcome no matter how daunting they may at first seem?
Everything makes you more,
The Universe"
Well, I have to wrap up somewhere, so, as Forrest Gump would say ...
Hopefully, reading this will help you be a bit less likely to reach the end of your life to realize, "Oh, if I had only known, if I had only been ready, our lives can really be the great adventure we so passionately want them to be. " Hortense Odlum
Just a very short post to announce that Katy has been selected to represent Team Canada at the Pan American Wrestling Championships in Campeche, Mexico in early August. I am so very proud of, and excited for, her!
It is shaping out to be quite a year. Last month she finished 2nd at Nationals...
... and will also be travelling through Europe later this summer to training camps and meets in Poland, Czech Republic and Germany. Then she goes with the Ontario Development Program to Puerto Rico in October.
May 21st, 2011 ... the billboards are telling me that this is the day the world will end. But with my windows wide open, the sun shining, a delicious latte half finished and music on the stereo, it feels like every other day - with my life just beginning yet again. I truly believe that, for all the drama we create around so many things past and future, every day is the only day. Neither the first nor the last, neither good nor bad, just this day we are given to do with what we will.
February 29th, 2008 ... now that was a day that must have felt like it was the end of the world for the Hayes family. For that was when Heidi - their bright, happy, seemingly healthy Grade Four girl - was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. In other words, their beloved 'baby' had cancer.
Heidi in front, with Biz, Nakita, Mallarie and aunt and uncle.
My introduction to Heidi and her family was through Orillia sports. My daughter, Katy, played basketball against Heidi's older sister Nakita a few years ago and we always saw Kita's mom, Biz, and sisters, Heidi and Mallarie at the games. They are all very bright lights - beautiful people with spirits so big they overflow. That sounds like hyperbole, but I mean it - their incredible positive energy spreads to everyone around them as soon as they walk into a room.
I don't remember when I first became aware of Heidi's health issue. You would certainly never suspect it to watch her and her family - no one that enthusiastic about life, and so full of love and enthusiasm for others could be dealing with something so huge, could they?
When she could, Heidi still played sports, and her mom coached her and her sisters as well. When the other players went home to do homework or watch TV, the Hayes family went to the hospital or home to administer chemotherapy drugs. There were constant drives to and from Toronto, and long stays in the cancer ward. There were surgeries, terrifying scares, excruciating pain. It must have been hard for Biz to hear another parent or player complain about their day... "And then some jerk cut me off in traffic!" or "Can you believe the price of gas these days?".
Heidi and her family began journaling her experience in April 2008. It is an incredible, three year long display of incredible optimism and heart-rendering honesty.
"Nakita Hayes wrote:
just wanted to let everyone know that heidi is at sick kids in isolation.
she has the shingles and has been running fever.
her blood counts are ever ever low.
she getting ever bored stuck in her room.!
not sure when she will be out.
we will keep you posted."
"Biz Hayes wrote:
Counts still very, very low. Fevers still spiking. Doctors are puzzled as they expected her counts to have started to
recover by now as she has been off all chemo for a week and is already on 3 antibiotics. They called in the infectious
disease team to try to figure out if there is something else going on. More tests. Heidi is scared and just wants to
get out of here."
For months, Heidi was in Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto. She went through round after round of chemotherapy that was literally killing her to keep her alive She was given morphine for the relentless pain. She lost all of her hair - her gorgeous, trademark blonde curls..
Even in the face of that, there were updates like this one ...
"On the sunny side. ...the four of us actually shared a meal together tonight. Even though it was on a hospital bed and even though Mal and Kita had to eat through their masks , and even though we didn't have our advent candle burning....it was fantastic to share time and to laugh with (and at) each other. Hopefully tomorrow night we will all be around the Christmas tree:)"
... and ...
"On the sunny side.... Sick Kids is a pretty fun place to be stuck in at Halloween. Everyone went out of their way to make it a memorable day for the kids there. "
While in the hospital for such long stretches, Heidi made many new friends. Other children facing the same challenges. And she lost some of them along the way. That is one of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around - a child already facing so much having to say goodbye to a best-friend who has just died from the same disease that she is still hoping to beat.
"On Feb 6, we went to Jocelyn's funeral.
Why Charlie Brown? Why?"
... sit with this for a minute before continuing. Really think about a nine year old going through that ...
Heidi's extraordinary outer beauty is matched by an inner magnificence, though, that is captured perfectly in this excerpt from the introduction she wrote for her journal ...
"Having cancer stinks! However, things could be way worse. Last Christmas, I asked Santa for life, health and love. When I'm sad about having cancer, I remember what Santa wrote back to me. He said to remember that I already have life, health and love. He's right! I do. My life may be a little messed right now, but it is still a great life. Other than having leukemia right now, I am really healthy. And I have so much love I can't even describe it."
(I will wait a minute while you go get more Kleenex ... I know that I am crying all over again writing this.)
On the sunny side - to steal that signature line from Heidi's mom - in the Spring of 2010, Heidi's cancer was declared to be in full remission!!! She still has regular doctor visits but is officially cancer-free. She is playing basketball and, lucky for us, baseball on the same team as Nakita and my Katy (I love hearing her cheer, "C'mon Katy, you can do it girl!!")
August 6th, 2010 saw Heidi deliver a moving speech at the Royal Ontario Museum for a "Summer Dreams" gala fundraiser for Camp Oochigeas. Her proud family looked on as she inspired the hundreds in attendance and drew a well-deserved standing ovation.
Here is the most recent update from Heidi's mom ...
"Three years ago, (Feb 29,2008) Heidi was diagnosed with leukemia. It is difficult to find the words to describe what she has been through physically and mentally. Heidi is truly my hero. It is equally hard to explain what Mallarie and Nakita have been through these past 3 years. I am so proud of all of them. My girls..... I love you!
Heidi is in grade 7. She is doing an awesome job at catching up on all the school work she has missed over the past years. She played on the basketball, cross country and volleyball teams and is looking forward to rugby, wrestling, softball and track. Heidi is also playing Lakers (a rep basketball team). She has an awesome bunch of friends. Heidi is feeling well most days. She still has follow up appointments at Sick kids once a month. We are grateful for her continued good health.
February is a difficult month.. It brings memories of a scary, scary time for us and memories of family and friends lost. This February has proven to be very difficult for 2 friends. Our hearts go out to Connor and Adam and their families. Fight boys!! Fight hard!!!! LEUKEMIA SUCKS!!
On the sunnyside.......Heidi's ever present smile continues to brighten the day of those around her."
So, what does all of that have to do with me???
Well, when Heidi's mom saw that I was fundraising for POGO (Pediatric Oncology Group of Ontario) she told me that POGO had been a huge help to their family during Heidi's illness, and that she was thrilled to see my getting behind such a worthwhile cause.
I said a few months ago that supporting kids who are bravely facing up to cancer would be a huge motivator for me in training for and completing The Death Race. Writing this post has reinforced that infinitely. Heidi and her family were able to keep smiling through three years of brutal cancer treatment that no child deserves to face. I can certainly endure three days of awful racing conditions that I have willingly signed up for.
Granted, I will now face one new danger in Pittsfield, VT ... being strangled on the course by other Death Racers who get sick of my constantly saying "ON THE SUNNYSIDE..."
THE SUNNY SIDE !!!
"Children with cancer are like candles in the wind who accept the possibility that they are in danger of being extinguished by a gust of wind from nowhere and yet, as they flicker and dance to remain alive, their brilliance challenges the darkness and dazzles those of us who watch their light."
